I guess i can write what i want cause no one seems to read this.  Cool , its like a diary but easier on my hand.
I spent a couple upset days as one of my online friends in dog training unliked me and said we weren't a good match.  I felt really sad.  But i contemplated and contemplated and stewed and brewed about it.  First it was please please forgive me.  I of course had put my foot in my mouth and i just wanted to back pedal to fix it as it was a relationship i was enjoying and learning from.  Then I decided to hell with them,. who do they think they are.  They think I am close minded and prejudiced and they profess to like everyone.  I tried to explain myself.  I think everyone is somewhat prejudiced even tho they don't realize it, and then i figured that person was indeed prejudiced against me, so what made them special.  Then i thought deeper and deeper.  Am I indeed prejudiced?, possibly.  I judge people on a face to face basis based on whether they are good people or jerks and if they are jerks or mean or bad standards or etc then it doesn't matter what color, creed,religion or sexual orientation they are, it doesn't matter to me.  A good person is a good person that's that.  A bad person i can usually find one thing in them i like or at least one redeeming factor at least.  That's why i get all the difficult patients at work because i don't judge and i try very hard to find one thing we have in common or thing that i can appreciate about them.  it usually works and i walk away richer for it.
But then i decided this was about liking or not liking public figures and i decided yes, i do form judgements there that aren't exactly maybe what they seem.  So maybe i should like them all for what they are different or the same from me.  Then i wondered, why do i care what that person thinks, why is my value tied up in what others think of me.  I still haven't figured that one out.  Then i hit the depression side, I am stupid, dumb, uneducated, can't make friends, can't keep my foot out of my mouth and on and on.  Then as i wondered about my existence here and why, I was supported by my husband with a hug and a thank you that the yard work i had done that day looked really good.  He knew i was feeling down.  The next day I threw myself into my work at work and my work here at home, good hard physical work.  I realize i am not the sharpest crayon in the box but I do have color and it is still bright.  I am simple but as a Masai runner in the Olympics said," we don't need fancy things, we don't need things, we just are happy being".  What a wonderful people.  I just need to look to God for my answers, worry about what he thinks, try to live according to what he wants of me and just be.  I have had my eyes open and there was truth and there was non truth,.  I am honest, I work hard, I try to be fair and nonjudgmental, and I try to love life as it is given to me and I try to live in the moment.  I try to live for my God and as he would want.  i am not perfect, I am not bright, I am not talented, I have no one gift that i can feel is great, but i have the gift of trying.  I have perseverance.  I am not afraid of hard work.  i am not usually afraid of new things and I try to be open to any and all things and sort them out as i go along.  I have hang ups, don't we all, but i try to survive in spite of them.  Each day brings new challenges to me, and tho they may not be great earth shattering challenges that change the world, they are my challenges no matter how small and they change me.  I hope I can be someone that others will someday look at and admire and say, " I wish i was more like her"  Or "she is what Gods love and promise is all about".  Animals are about all i know, but as meaningless as that may be to some it is my only gift, my solace, my unconditional love.  They don't judge me, they don't care if i put a foot in my mouth, or out of ignorance do something stupid.  i guess i don't need a lot of friends.  So what if they don't like me. The animals know i don't do harm out of purpose, only ignorance and they forgive me and love me in spite of it.  Some say Animals don't go to heaven.  I don't believe that.  i believe God has put me here to do what i can with and for animals, that is how i speak, thru them.  My thoughts have rambled and they could go on and on.  The online friend befriended me again and I will try to be more open and accepting.  I will try to be the person I want to be, simple, or not.  I do count.!!!  And I will hope that friend really is a true friend.

Well my first social security check went in the bank yest.  Mixed feelings.  Am i now old, do people see me as old.  Guess so, but i don't feel old.  I can't even capitalize my pronouns yet, i can't be old. or are the small i's more a reflection of my self image.  Interesting question.
Its not enough to live on but i am working enough to get buy.  Went to the food bank tho cause we are cash poor.  That was an embarrassing and humiliating experience.  Haven't done it since i was in college.  But they were very nice and said "we don't judge".  Food is food.  We are trying to cut down our supplies and some of our meals are kinda strange.  stuff doesn't all go together but we are finding out we don't need as much food as we thought, good deal huh?
We always learn a lot and find out amazing things about ourselves when we go through our poor periods so we don't worry, money has never been our primary concern in life.
We are having a garage sale in a couple weeks, that should bring in some dollars to use or save for new stuff, all of it might buy one new thing.  Life is interesting.
My doc yest injected a nerve in the bottom on my leg that goes into my foot.  It has been terribly sore.  it was the first problem i started out and he said this is progression as the last thing to fix is always the first thing that comes and all other stuff looks good.
He tells me my nerve problem is not in my head and I am not crazy, both these docs tell me that.  I probably lived in a fight or flight syndrome to much as a child and so i have this hyperactive nerve problem, or maybe something happened to me i don't remember (trauma).  Its not my fault and i have done what i could so now its time to deal with it.   (Not the inflamed nerve in my foot, tho that was caused by the slightest of pressure which then affects the muscles and nerves in my legs and etc)  Then i walk funny, and the body compensates which creates more pain.  My body interprets pain first and normal sensations are blocked back and when the pain gets controlled and managed then i will have the normal sensations. Thats why i am affected with fibromyalgia, a little chronic fatique, arthritis is an effect of over use, and sensitivities all over my body and skin.  They are learning all sorts of things now about chronic pain, its a new and groundbreaking field.
Well must go.  Three wild loose horses just went running by the house.  Beautiful but guess i better see if they need help catching them.  Loose horses and cattle and goats are not an uncommon site on whidbey.